Smell You Later, Litigator
by Liz Nevis
Happy JD to you! Are you ready to sue? You look like a lawyer, why not smell like one too?
Informed ConScent Inc. was founded by a perfume-blending hobbyist who went to law school and got boring grades, but gained insight into the legal psyche and mystique while retaining the ability to compose inappropriate double-entendres about virtually anything. Wear Informed ConScent and your arguments will pass the “smell test” every time! No fruit of any poisonous tree is used in these products.
Miranda: If you do choose to wear this scent, so many people will “hold” various things “against you” that you’ll hardly be able to move! You have been warned.
Deference: Feeling arbitrary & capricious? Wear this and make your own rules. People will definitely notice - and comment. (Don’t worry, it doesn’t smell like Chevron at all).
Mutuality: Tender, but demanding. This makes accord and satisfaction more than just a gratuitous promise! But please, don’t be unconscionable; treat those who accept your offers with sufficient consideration.
Continuance: Makes time stand still, at least long enough to get your act together. May be surplus to requirements if your face can already stop a clock.
Fixation: Join the rest of the world and drop the outdated
formalities! This is all you need to let
everyone know you’re an original. All’s fair use in love and war; those who Berne last,
Presentment: Sometimes you just want to skip the floor debates and go right to the Act of Congress. A majority of bicamerals love this one!
Profit a Prendre: Says “Use me... but only as we’ve agreed. If you don’t want my peaches, don’t shake my tree.”
Rivalrousness: Apply this to your externalities, let it diffuse, and capture the rarified and excludable atmosphere of the exotic world of Law-and-Econ. Incoherence in any known language won’t be a problem anymore - where a “public good” is bad, anything can happen. You’ll regret that there’s only so much of you to go around.
Trade Secret: Sorry, if I told you what was in this, I’d have to kill you.
Treble Damages: Whether you’re infringing or just monopolizing, this fragrance says you can easily afford to be as willful as you wanna be.
And, especially for
Measure # 37: Begins as an idyllic pastoral/woodland blend, then develops as you wear it. If you don’t like it, your local retailer can choose whether to refund the purchase price or excuse you from wearing it. Guess which one they’ll probably do?
Informed ConScent has had many compliments on its frosted-looking bottles that form little rainbows when light hits them. In reality, the “frosted” look is fine print etched by a laser and conveniently readable by any standard scanning electron microscope:
“By looking at or touching this bottle, you agree to
the following terms. No warranties, express or implied or imagined or
hallucinated. You acknowledge that
anything is possible in an infinte quantum universe,
and therefore any unfortunate occurrences connected with this product are the
result of collapsing probability fields that are outside the manufacturer’s
control. You agree not to analyze or
reverse-engineer this product, and to sacrifice your life if necessary to
prevent anyone else’s doing so. You
acknowledge that we see you when you’re sleeping and we know when you’re awake.
Any disputes relating to this product or any other matter whatsoever shall be
subject to exclusive venue in the lost city of