RLAT: THE REAL LIFE APTITUDE TEST (2005)

RLAT: The Real Life Aptitude Test

by Liz Nevis

The AHBA (American Human Being Association) has formulated a test to determine who is and is not well-suited for real life. Those who score well on the RLAT will be allowed to live anywhere they like. Those who do not will be restricted to geographical enclaves of others like themselves. Certain large cities, remote rural areas, academic campuses, and gated communities (gates can keep people IN too, you know) will be set aside for this purpose.

Sample RLAT Questions:

1. You are driving and someone cuts in front of you. Do you hit:

a. the brake

b. the horn

c. your passenger for not warning you

d. the other car, forcing it through a guardrail and off a cliff

2. You have a child which, contrary to your TV-based expectations, screams and cries 24 hours a day. Do you:

a. try various approaches to find out what is wrong and how to calm the child

b. hire a nanny with an adjustable hearing aid

c. take the child to as many public places and events as possible, perhaps to encourage celibacy or other forms of birth control

d. keep threatening to REALLY give the child something to cry about

3. You are at the ATM and there is a line waiting behind you. Do you:

a. finish what you need to do and leave quickly

b. try a few transactions in other languages just for fun

c. hold your pre-literate small child up to press the buttons, allowing plenty of time and patiently starting over after every mistake

d. keep standing in front of the ATM after you are done to (1) write down everything you did in your checkbook and then (2) call your spouse on your cell phone and deliver a full report

4. A non-threatening person asks you for directions. Do you:

a. give understandable directions, or admit it if you don’t know

b. make something up if you don’t know, because you don’t want to look stupid

c. pleasantly give completely wrong directions on purpose

d. say, “Go back where you came from, we don’t take kindly to strangers round these parts”

5. A friend needs to talk to you about an intensely personal matter. Do you:

a. arrange to converse in person in a reasonably private place

b. call them about it at work, where both your and their cubicle neighbors are eagerly listening

c. yell your side of the conversation into your cell phone in a crowd

d. take careful notes so you can post the whole thing, with names and dates, on your blog

6. You are attracted to someone who does not happen to be attracted to you. Do you:

a. get over it and move on

b. call them daily at 2 AM to persuade them to change their minds

c. blame them for ruining your entire life forever

d. break into their house and kill their pets

7. You are injured in a fall on the sidewalk. A passing stranger makes you as comfortable as possible, calls 911, and stays until help arrives. Do you:

a. thank them

b. tell them they’re good members of your religion, which holds an exclusive patent on kindness

c. vent your anger at them about being vulnerable and embarrassed in public

d. find out their contact information so you can sue them

8. You are traveling and the food is different from what you get at home. Do you:

a. explore the local fare for something new you might like

b. look for a familiar franchise

c. complain loudly and send everything back multiple times

d. catch a squirrel or pigeon in the park and cook it in your hotel-room microwave

9. You are in a restaurant where someone who is not thin is eating fried food or dessert. Do you:

a. ignore it because it is none of your salad-picking business

b. detour so you can pass close by them and make censorious clucking sounds

c. touch them in a friendly way, look into their eyes, and ask, “Do you really need to eat that?”

d. pass them your dietitian’s business card

10. You visit a neighborhood substantially less affluent than your own. Do you:

a. dress innocuously, move with confidence but not arrogance, and speak reasonably

b. dress ostentatiously and make sure everyone knows you’re a rich big-shot and your every whim must be accommodated

c. stare around wild-eyed, holding your can of Mace in front of you

d. grimace with distaste and walk as if something vile is sticking to your shoes

11. You are asked a very general, quickly answerable question about an arcane specialty you know a lot about. Do you:

a. either answer, or decline to answer, graciously

b. answer sarcastically to make the questioner look and feel stupid