THE PROBLEM OF SUBURBANITE ADMINISTRATION[1]
A report prepared for the federal Commissioner of Yuppie Affairs (CYA)
by Liz Nevis[2]
Suburbanites: No one knows why, but
they’re still here. Clearly, the
government must do something about it soon, because their entire culture has
become dependent on corporate “paychecks,” a resource that is rapidly dwindling
as
Health: Poor. Most Suburbanites cannot fully function outside closely climate-controlled environments. They also fare very badly if chlorinated or fluorinated water, at any and all temperatures, is not readily available within a few steps of wherever they are. Many of them are incapable of performing bodily functions in a setting that is not completely private, meticulously odor-free, and supplied with plentiful high-quality consumable products. Even the “fittest” only appear able to walk, run, or climb on machines or in special facilities made for the purpose.
Poor nutrition is probably to blame for many of these problems. Unfortunately, the Suburbanites are enslaved by primitive fetishisms. They believe, for instance, that eating only minuscule, inadequate quantities of nonsensical food combinations (or, worse yet, dubious synthetic substances disguised as food) will result in such unlikely rewards as living forever or attracting thousands of would-be sexual partners.
Lack of fresh air compounds Suburbanites’ health problems. Endemic oversensitivity to sunlight in this genetic stock, combined with a morbid fear of anything that even temporarily precludes work, has given rise to a grim scenario for most of these benighted individuals: Their only exposure to the outdoors, at a reasonable distance from exhaust-spewing cars and mold-infested buildings, occurs at infrequent “picnics.” Even these meager opportunities constitute health hazards, however, because the traditional foodstuffs at Suburbanite “picnics” are ironically dominated by “mayonnaise,” a preparation that rapidly becomes toxic if not refrigerated.
Economy: Poor. Suburbanites work constantly at the expense of all other aspects of life, yet their concepts of value for money are woefully unsophisticated. Many of them, for example, consent to work 80-100 hours per week while only being paid for 40. The money they do earn is either profligately gambled away on the “stock market” or invested in “real estate” that they pay for but do not control. Control is instead vested in “homeowners’ associations” that micro-manage every detail of how the property is used, including such minutiae as narrow ranges of permissible curtain colors and pet weights. Home “owners,” rather than justifiably charging the “associations” for the privilege of invading their lives, actually pay them additional money for their extortionate efforts. One form of “real estate” that Suburbanites palm off on each other is the “condominium,” which costs nearly as much as land with a structure on it, but the “owner” actually acquires only a volume of space in mid-air.
Many Suburbanite economies are based on oxymoronic “labor-saving technology,” which has proven to be a losing proposition. With each technological advance, Suburbanite corporate employers simply adjust their expectations upward in excess of the savings in time, so that their hapless lackeys must work more than ever.
A dearth of employment near
Suburbanite “residential areas” is also a problem. On a larger “res,” such as Long Island or
Living conditions: Poor. Suburbanites insist on living so closely packed together that massive, complex infrastructure is essential to their survival, as are a plethora of rules. Factors such as barking dogs, divergences in taste regarding music or garden ornaments, length of grass, and wattage of porch lights would be considered trivial, or even overlooked completely in a less-crowded milieu, but are frequent flashpoints for social aggression in Suburbanite country. Another problem is Suburbanites’ placement of high value on “newness” in a residence, regardless of construction quality. Unscrupulous builders have been quick to take advantage of both this cultural blind spot and the low priority placed on privacy. Thus, the wealthiest Suburbanites are hoodwinked into living in “McMansions” with windows that look directly into those next door, which are less than two feet away (at least until the first strong wind).
Governance: Poor. Suburbanite governments work by “majority rule.” Whatever more than half the people want is forced upon the other less-than-half. Unfortunately, the majority of Suburbanites don’t have the sense to know the rain won’t usually kill them if they stay out in it. As a result, leaders are generally chosen for superior blandness, i.e., the quality of offending the fewest voters. This form of government, however, does have the advantage of allowing bad decisions to be made very quickly.
Social structure: None. Suburbanites have no appreciable social life because their constant work leaves no time for it. Ostensibly celebratory occasions, such as holidays, weddings, and miscellaneous parties, involve so much planning, effort, and anxiety that they are more stressful than everyday life. Even the unborn are expected to learn foreign languages and classical-music appreciation while in the womb. As a result, few have friends close enough to count on for so much as a ride home from the airport (or the hospital).
Family life: It takes a suburb to raise a child. Childless neighbors, and even strangers passing through, are dragooned into child-proofing every aspect of their property and behavior. The family structure is, at least on its face, serially monogamous, with transitions punctuated by custody battles. However, some of the more prosperous Suburbanites of both genders have been known to take concubines, called variously “receptionists,” “personal trainers,” “gardeners,” or “massage therapists.” Parents mainly see their children by being assigned certain days to drive them to organized events, assuming they can tell which of the identically dressed sports-team members piled into the SUV, if indeed any, are theirs.
Outlook for future self-sufficiency: Very poor. Suburbanites are completely dependent on corporate payrolls. They will probably be in very deep trouble when their employers’ executives complete the current plan to replace them all, from laborers to research scientists, with even more pliant and desperate employees in and from other countries. Few Suburbanites know how to hunt or fish at all, and even that minority is helpless without extremely expensive, color-coordinated, state-of-the art clothing and equipment. If they do fortuitously kill something edible, they promptly discard the meat and make the spare parts into “trophies” of no known utility. Their agricultural outlook is equally bleak; Suburbanites have almost completely lost the ability to grow even a small yard full of useless grass without resort to massive mechanization and large quantities of exotic chemicals.
Suburbanites do, however, show a peculiar talent for delivering pizzas at high speeds; perhaps outside help in expanding the worldwide market for promptly-delivered pizzas could provide some economic relief to these unfortunates.
[1] This is a parody of The Problem of Indian Administration, aka “The Meriam Report,” published by the Department of the Interior in 1928. It’s chock-full of egregious generalizations - just like the original!
[2]According
to Judith “Miss Manners” Martin, “the only polite subject for a joke is
oneself.” Ms. Nevis lives in