by Liz Nevis[3]
Anti-trust: The feeling developed by frequent Bailees toward chronic Bailors (see infra).
Appeal: Something slippery that comes off a banana and enriches personal-injury lawyers .
Arguendo: (1) An instruction found in the sheet music for Dueling Banjos. (2) A martial art for lawyers.
Arbitrate: What vets charge to spay female dogs.
Bailee: “But we PLANNED this! You SAID you would!”
Bailor: “Sorry, dude, just can’t do it today.”
Chevron deference: “It has Techron(TM), whatever that is; ya gotta like that.”
Circuit split: Plugging in extension cords when you don’t have enough outlets.
Codicil: A prescription medicine to help people quit smoking fish.
Commerce Clause: What fat-cats use to gouge prices.
Doctrine of Equivalents: “Six of one, half a dozen of the other.”
Eminent Domain: The website that comes back on the top of the list when you use a search engine.
En Banc: When the ATM isn’t working, so you have to stand in line to see a teller.
Environmental Impact Statement: “And that was when my car ran off the road into the swamp - excuse me, the wetlands - and hit the tree.”
Estoppel: The art of corking wine bottles; see also Collateral Estoppel: Mistakenly corking other things sitting near the wine bottles, as a result of sampling the wine; see also Equitable Estoppel: “I’ll cork half these wine bottles, you cork the other half”; see also Promissory Estoppel: “I’ll finish corking the wine bottles as soon as my hangover wears off”; see also File Wrapper Estoppel: A bad idea; file wrappers leak wine no matter how you wad them up in the neck of the bottle. Get some real corks, cheapskate..
Executor: The guy in the black mask who runs the guillotine.
Fair Use: The intended purpose of a portable Ferris wheel.
Future Interest: “Look me up when you turn eighteen, THEN we can date.”
Habeas Corpus: Step one in building a Frankenstein’s monster.
Indispensable Party: Someplace to go on New Year’s Eve.
Intellectual Property: Nerds’ possessions, not yet stolen by bullies.
Intermediate Scrutiny: “Hello, my face is up HERE!”
Interstate Compact: A small car with a powerful enough engine to get across the state line, even if it’s uphill.
Intent: Where every camel wants to stick its nose.
Laches: What people used before doorknobbies were invented.
Latent Ambiguity: Still “in the closet,” but not fooling anyone.
Limited Liability: The main characteristic of a very uncomfortable mattress.
Livery of Seisin: A spicy paté made to celebrate a medieval English real-estate purchase. Historians viewing old woodcuts have mistook servings of this traditional food for dirt clods.
Mandamus: An ancient Roman transvestite.
Maritime: A spousally imposed curfew.
Mediate: How he got E.coli.
Miranda Warning: Like Carmen Miranda, you have the right to wear a big bowl of fruit for a hat, but any fruit you allow to spoil can and will attract swarms of insects.
NEPA: The plaintive cry of a small animal forced to seek a new habitat
Non-Delegation Doctrine: Your mother doesn’t work here! Clean up your own mess, and if you drink the last cup of coffee, for Peet’sÔ sake make another pot.
Obligee, Obligor: Nonsense lyrics from an old Beatles song. (“Obligee, obligor, life goes on, bra-a-lala how the life goes on.”)
Parade of Horribles: A civic function held every Halloween
Party-Opponent: A neighbor with an early bedtime, sensitive ears, and the police on speed-dial. Penumbras and Emanations: What you get in haunted houses.
Pleading: “Come on, just a few bucks; I’ll pay you back soon, I promise!” see also Pleading with Particularity: “Come on, just $11.56; I’ll pay you back this coming Friday at 3:47 PM Pacific Daylight Time, I promise!”
Power of Appointment: What receptionists have, and why you shouldn’t make them mad if you ever want to get past them
Pre-Emption Doctrine: The belief that if you televise a pledge drive instead of people’s favorite shows, the viewers will be so happy they will send you money. The longer, more frequent, and more boring and whiny, the better.
Prima facie: The expected result of expensive plastic surgery.
Privity: The old days before we had flush toilets.
Res Judicata: Already decided on Judge Judy.
Separation of Powers: The belief that renewable energy sources should be used where available, and therefore that nuclear reactors should only be put where the sun does not shine.
Strict Scrutiny: When Mom, Dad or your teacher gives you “The Look.”
Summary Judgment: A case decided between May and September.
Termination Interest: A bet on when someone will die.
Testator: What you throw in the deep-fryer to see if the oil is hot enough to make French fries.
Tort: A moist, dense cake, often involving raspberry sauce. Very expensive; see also Toxic Tort: A cake with poison in it. Could be even more expensive if anyone finds out.
Touch and Concern: To affect with deep emotion; for instance, if land really doesn’t like a covenant, it will be so touched and concerned that it will kill plants, create sinkholes, etc.
Trade Secrets: What juvenile pre-women do at slumber parties, and invariably regret.
Treble Damages: You acted on your bass-er (sic) instincts, but you’ll be singing soprano from now on.
[1]To the best of my knowledge and belief, Mad magazine has not copyrighted or trademarked the word “Blecch.” But even if they do, I already gave them over half my allowance earnings between the ages of 9 and 14, so what - me worry?
[2]DISCLAIMER: These are NOT the real definitions of standard legal terms. Not to be tried out on clients, professors, or anyone without an immature sense of humor.
[3]Over 40 and STILL a class clown! This is Mad’s fault. If anybody should sue anybody here...